Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts

Saturday, March 1, 2014

A woman of two cities

The Dakota named their home, "The Land Where the Water Reflects the Clouds." 

A name full of shining sacredness, and thus the best kind of name. 

The Europeans who took the land from the Dakota and the Ojibwe called it "The Land of 10,000 Lakes." 

They built two cities, side by side, on both banks of the Mississippi River.



Before I continue this tale, there are some things you need to understand. For context.

Minneapolis is the City of Lakes. This is where I was born, and where my parents were born, and where I have lived for 99 percent of my life. Except for the river gorge, it stands on flat terrain, where the Chain of Lakes and wetlands reflect the sky. Scando-protestant-hipster-liberal. 

St. Paul is the Capitol City. St. Paul is the older, smaller, hillier city, with more historic buildings and old neighborhoods than Minneapolis--Irish-Catholic-traditional DFL-blue collar. 

So to simplify greatly, St. Paul, history. Minneapolis, lakes. 

But both river. The Mississippi manages to snake through both downtown hearts, even though they are 10 miles apart. 

Native Minneapolitans rarely move to St. Paul, and vice versa. 

It's just how it is. 

But if they're me, chances are they will end up working in St. Paul quite often. Like I am now. 




Every morning, I drive from Minneapolis to St. Paul over the Meeting of the Waters, Mendota, where the Mississippi joins the Minnesota River.  I sneak glances through the highway bridge railings at the river, and it looks like a wide, blank expanse of snow. If it weren't for the Cottonwoods that delineate its banks, and the fact that there is a bridge over it, you wouldn't know a wild river slept beneath. All appears still.

But I know the river is napping with one eye open, alive and restless even in winter, its water brown as a hibernating bear and bristling with ice crystals, creeping through ever-rushing arteries within the frozen architecture of its slumber.



As I cast my eyes outward, I see too the mystical island at the confluence of the rivers, the sacred place that the Dakota considered to be the center of all things, where their stories tell that humankind was created.

Remember the times I have walked across the sandy flood plain of that island--a somehow-hushed, between-the-worlds, silver-green place, even with the traffic from the bridge rushing over and the droning of jets overhead and the occasional speedboat sending the river water washing against the low banks.

I do not like its modern name so I won't write it here. The island's sacredness can't be hemmed in by powerlines or desecrated by broken treaties...it is native to the place, unconquerable. That's what I tell myself, when I see it beset on all sides by civilization, so that I don't feel as sad.

But at times it is meet and right to feel sad, isn't it?



For most of the trip I follow a road at the base of the river bluffs, close to the Mississippi. If only I had a way of taking photos as I drive. My hungry eyes take sustenance from the sights each morning--the fairyland of snow-covered trees in a ravine, the bold, medieval hulk of a grain elevator against the sky, billows of pale pink and lavender steam-clouds unfolding from smokestacks in the morning sunlight. 

This is what I see after I get out of the car...thus I share a small part of my daily journey with you, wherever you are. 


The St. Paul Cathedral on Cathedral Hill, the view to my left...


...the Minnesota State Capitol, the view to my right...


...the young river birch maidens I pass on my daily walk from the parking lot to the building...



...looking toward the Cathedral, lofty Austrian pines...and the entrance to the history museum where I work, which has taken up residence between the domes of St. Paul.



There are so many kinds of history, and there is no history without a story. The one that is calling to me is the story of this land itself. I don't mean Minnesota as a political entity, but something deeper and older and bigger than that: this Place that was loved by the native peoples who knew it and honored it and cared for it and were part of its story for centuries upon centuries.

I'm coming to understand that there is so little I understand about being a part of the essential Here.

Is this making any sense? I realize I write things like this rather often. More than half a century of living, and sometimes I wonder what it is I've been doing up to this point. Is that how everyone feels as they grow older? That maybe it takes years to even begin to ask the right questions?

I feel I'm a child in the world, even now, in all that I'd like to understand. I'm curious. Once again, I'm hot on the trail of something. Might get hold of it, might not, but no matter; I'm sure to find something.

Maybe I'll start this round with the museum store. It has many books on Dakota culture. I have a lunch hour and an employee discount.


P.S. And perfectly in line with Raquel's intuition on this, I was guided to an excellent post on Priscilla Stuckey's blog, This Lively Earth, about her journey in relationship and spiritual helpers.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Fear and the $5 gift card


I have been carrying this Starbucks gift card around since 2007.

Believe it.

Seven years ago I was laid off from my job at the literary agency. I was feeling very broke so I'd answered some survey just to get this gift card. So that even when I had no spending money to speak of, I'd still be able to treat myself to a super-deluxe-grande-latte-frappuccino-almond-hot-chocolate-with-gold-dust-and-hopefully-organic-whipped-cream-on-top.

This little gift card was a kind of security blanket, there to help me feel less poor.

After 5 months of job searching, just when the unemployment benefits were about to run out, I found a full-time writing job in February 2008.

Did I celebrate by spending my $5 gift card?

No. I hung onto it. Because you never know.

Fast-forward 5 years.

Once again, I'm a dislocated worker.

I make the brilliant decision to spend two months in London. No sarcasm! I have no regrets about that decision. While in London, I drank my share of comforting caffeine concoctions. I also ate a lot of desserts with intriguing names like "Banbury Tart" and "Victoria Sponge."

But did I use my $5 Starbucks gift card in London? Or when I got back to Minneapolis? Or during any of the subsequent 7 months of joblessness?

NO.

I have to ask: What's going on here?

True, I am not a fan of Starbucks, or of super-deluxe-grande-lattes-frappuccinos-almond-hot-chocolates-with-gold-dust-and-hopefully-organic-whipped-cream-on-top. Let that be said.

But I really think it goes deeper than that for me, and maybe for you.

I think it is about telling ourselves that we don't have enough, and we can't get enough, and we ourselves aren't enough.

And maybe about how a mean part of us whispers that we don't deserve the good things that come our way, only the bad ones. Or that we have offended the universe by spending our severance package on a trip to Europe instead of saving it for a month of rainy days, or that any good thing might disappear at any second so we'd damn well better hold on to it with the grip of death or suffer the consequences.

Ursula Le Guin wrote,“Fire and fear, good servants, bad lords.”

Wise woman.

I start a new full-time job next week. It sounds awesome. And do you know how I'm going to throw off the shackles of fear and lack and celebrate?

That's right. I'm gonna use up every penny of this G.D. $5 Starbucks gift card.



Wednesday, November 27, 2013

In which a candle is lit



A day made for fire. 

A day so dim, still and cheerless--a day so November--that flickers and flamings felt needful to my mental health.

Our home has no hearth (woodsmoke brings on a headache, anyway), so I lit two votives. Juniper, who is yet a young and inexperienced cat, jumped up to investigate. I shooed her away. But with the persistence of the feline, she would not stay shooed. And in an instant, the fire elementals had kinked her eyebrow hairs.

After that, she abandoned the intrigue of the candles and sensibly curled up against my side.

Maybe going to sleep is what I should have done, too. Instead, I worried, about not having found work yet, and every other thing I could latch onto. Like the November sky, my inner weather was murky with cloud. Every pathway of thought ended in a confusion of tracks. What step to take next? Where am I even trying to get to? Questioning this. Second-guessing that. Resisting…spinning like a leaf in a pool where the stream’s been dammed.

But the next day, the sun was blessedly bright. With it came a sliver of clarity: Perhaps I can’t pin down where I am, because I am in motion.

Where I am is not where I was—yet neither have I reached the place I am trying to get to.


This year in particular, my thoughts were shaped by the people whose creations or lifestyles or insights have lit me up. Through these gurus, it may be that part of me has leveled up in some way—but uncomfortably, the rest of me hasn’t caught up yet. The outside doesn’t match the inside.

And maybe that is why I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time expanding my Pinterest boards. Maybe, in an intuitive sort of way, I’ve been trying to shape a vision for where I want to get to. What does this same-only-different Carmine look like? What does this different life look and feel like at its essence?

My mantra this year has been: "Listen and receive." To paraphrase Sonya Darien over at tiny buddha, if everything I am receiving is perfect as it is, what is it that I am not seeing?

“Receive” means embracing the whisker-burnings as well as the flame’s beauty…the darkest of November skies and the mystery of not-knowing, alongside the moments of near clarity--like the sharp call of the soul-as-Blue Jay that says Wake up! Be patient. Something is happening.



On the paths of confusion, it would be wise to trust that all is happening in perfect timing. Even and especially in the closing-down days of November and December.



Photos: Early November 2013, Minnehaha-Park-above-the-floodplain

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The well-rounded jobseeker


Flesh and Stone,* Mark Roland 

When I was a young lass, still developing a passion for dead leaves, I made a list of accomplishments I wanted to acquire by the time I grew up. I still have it, somewhere--but near as I can remember, they were:

Play the piano (Beth March, Little Women).

Make skilled but strange drawings that reflect my original mind (Jane Eyre).

Experience a mystical friendship with a horse (Ken McLaughlin, My Friend Flicka, and Alec Ramsey, The Black Stallion, et al).**

Write sonnets. Sing like a thrush. Speak and read Latin. Live in a castle. Be handy with an embroidery needle and a calligraphy quill.

(Later, I mentally added to the list, "Learn to read tarot cards, speak Welsh, identify birds and bellydance with finger cymbals.")

Some of those things I learned how to do and others, I did not. But the larger goal was to be a well-rounded and educated person, in my own idiosyncratic, Renaissance Woman sort of way.

Transition, Mark Roland

College opened wide the doors to the humanities, and I fell in love. My hungry mind ate it up--seeing into the Zeitgeist of different eras and how this was reflected in art, architecture, music, poetry, literature, theater, history, politics, languages, discoveries, social movements and philosophy--both within a given period and between the periods themselves, plus across many cultures. Like an epic story, with dozens of seemingly disparate threads, which would suddenly resolve into a sudden, dazzling whole blazing with meaning; making sense of what you'd thought a shapeless mass of facts, a hopeless muddle.

Guardian, Mark Roland

Learning how to be a good and compassionate person, how to be present and kind to yourself, have a positive impact on your community (or even among your own family), how to love people as fully and as well as they deserve...learning to listen to the voice of your own inner guidance, so you can fulfill your unique purpose and do the work only you can do...this course of study is daily, lifelong and replete with worthy challenges.

Yet, the world of employment is so rarely aligned with the quest for fulfillment, meaning, personal integrity, challenges worthy of our mettle, or with using our full and unique array of talents.

It's like, World of Work isn't all that interested in Compleat Carmine. It wants a person to fit into its bullet-pointed, job-shaped space, rather than accommodating itself to a messy, actual-person-sized shape. With its many evaluations, requirements and inflexibilities, World of Work, ipso facto, can't help but be reductionist and sort of a dehumanizing jackass at times. As Robert A. Heinlein said, "Specialization is for insects."

Hence, job hunting? Thorny. Ambivalent. Would Rather Be Reading.

Incantation, Mark Roland

Nonetheless, there are new washer/dryers to be paid for and cat food to buy, so here is my wish list...my plea, incantation, prayer, affirmation, and callout.

Dear Multiverse (and Self),

Please help me to find a Carmine-shaped job where I can:

  • Work with like-minded colleagues
  • Be excited about the work I do every day
  • See that what I do is having a direct positive impact on the world
  • Be valued and accepted for who I am

Kind Regards,

Me

P.S.: Plus, lots of windows and at least one cat on the premises would be appreciated.

Threshold, Mark Roland


*I got this gorgeous print of an intaglio etching, part of Mark Roland's Enchanted Forest series, at the CONvergence Art Show last weekend.
**As I was digging for this list in the "treasure chest" where I keep old things I've drawn or written, I found a packet of horse drawings made on the backs of old spelling tests and mimeographed questionnaires (no scanner, or I'd share). All carefully dated, all documenting the height of my horse craziness. Awesome job, 11-year-old self! I hope girls still draw pictures of horses.