AND WHEN I thought about it (you probably saw it right off), a knitting circle of mythic bawdy wise women is no less romantic an idea than the young knight in the meadow, is it?
Though a friend of mine asked to join the circle, so I am glad I wrote about it, even if it exposes me as still starry-eyed after all these years.
Today I read a line about a fictional character who was drifting through life, "lacking ambition but full of expectation."
It caught my attention. Is that me? I wondered. Or feared. Because I sometimes I have a sinking realization that I have spent too much time drifting, waiting for things to happen, instead of deciding what I want and exerting myself.
Avoiding setting challenges for myself, in the mistaken belief that I am being kind to myself. Like, no challenges, no stress.
I dislike stress. People say there is good stress and bad stress, but honestly? I've never learned to like any type.
Some people thrive on it, like another of my friends. She is diligent, highly goal-oriented. Sets herself daily, monthly and yearly challenges, and is very accountable to herself. She cultivates the habits she needs in order to meet the challenges, and she DOES meet them. It's admirable and probably quite satisfying for her.
Alas, her way is not my way.
Screw it. What I said about stress? I don't like it... but so what? I do want to risk something. I want to throw myself in the middle of something uncomfortable. I want to grow bigger. I want to take down the "closed" sign.
What? How? Where?
The only question I don't have is why.